what the past has brought me (3/3)

three of three

People come and go. It happens. But I hope this one stays.

 

(3) two. one. two.

 

I got hints, but never did I imagine that the breaking point will be that year. Funny, because I was holding on to something that wasn’t even strong enough to begin with. It was suicide.

Nine years ago I met someone funny, smart and outspoken. He’s really far from my ideal guy, but strange things happen. I fell for the person. I was fifteen back then, and was really stupid for not listening to my mom and my sisters when they told me, “Tigilan mo ‘yan.” 

I was in love, for sure. I thought I was doing something right, and I kept fighting for it even if the whole thing was a mess. Then, one day the guy wanted to break ties. That time, I was too tired to give a damn of everything, so I let him. It was easy. /how i felt/

Being with someone for eight years is no joke, though we weren’t really physically present for the whole duration of the relationship, it was still mind-blowing how we got that far. Well, he was a good man, he took care of me and he treated me right as much as he can. When he left, I thought I won’t be able to find a man who will treat me the same.

BUT BOY, I WAS WRONG. 

I was doing the laundry when a famous quote from a book popped into my mind.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I read that book when I was in college, and that line was indeed famous. But to be honest, I didn’t get it. It was just a “relate-able quote” for some, but I never really understood it. Until that afternoon when I was doing my laundry. It was like an “AHA!” moment when I recalled that line and finally understood what it means.

Indeed, I accepted the love I thought I deserved. Even if it caused me pain, and even cost me my relationship with my family. I thought everything will be worth it. And I thought everything that you fought for will reward you victory in the end. I was wrong. Looking back at how stupid I was in making decisions, I realized how naive and blinded I was in love. I kept on justifying everything, even if it wasn’t right and probably against God’s will for me.

God must have been looking at me like, “My poor child, you deserve better.” And I don’t know what kind of power He used on me that I didn’t feel any pain through the separation process. He helped me pick up myself again, and fortified me with His grace and love. I had everything I need, but still, He gave me more.

 

and then, October 15 happened. 

 

signature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

what the past has brought me (2/3)

two of three

 

To new experiences;

(2) running after passion and some mishaps

If you have been following me for quite some time now, you’d probably know that I am a Nutritionist-Dietitian. My love for food made me become one. I vividly recall how my Professor asked me when he interviewed me for admissions:

“Why Nutrition and Dietetics?” he said, as he leaned back on his swivel chair.

“I like food and I like to cook, Sir.” I said. A bit disappointed with my answer because it was too shallow. “I want to know the right food to eat if you have this certain illness.” I added, just so it becomes a bit more acceptable.

Fortunately, I got accepted in the program. Got a tres during the first semester. Got a singko during my sophomore year. Became a Dean’s Lister on my third year. And passed my thesis on my fourth year. My life during college was pretty chill. I was an average student. No expectations from parents, and no expectations from anyone. I graduated on time. And passed the licensure exam the same year.

To me, Nutrition and Dietetics is my first love. And I even told myself, I cannot see myself in any other field but this.

But boy, I was wrong. 

Back when I was still in the Uni, I really admired my Professors. While everyone else were ranting about how complicated students’ lives were, I was there, thinking about how Professors were having a much more difficult time. Standing in front of the students for three straight hours, discussing, coaching, mentoring, going home with lots of paper works– I mean? These people are awesome! (except my Physics Prof who failed 80% of my class)

When I finally got hold of my Nutritionist-Dietitian license, I was offered with a job from a non-government organization who partners with different Universities for their Nutrition Practicum. I was a Community Nutrition Supervisor for graduating students of Nutrition and Dietetics. We were assigned to immerse in a small barangay in Bataan. For a month. Fun. We were living together in the same house. Fun. It was like babysitting, but instead, they gave me adults to look after, and some of them were even older than me! Aside from babysitting, I had to make sure that they learn and teach them how to expose their selves in the community. Give interventions, and help the community with the projects they thought of.

Of course, it was difficult. Grown ups were harder to control. They were resilient. And sometimes, they weren’t open for new information, just because “Eto ‘yung tinuro samin sa *insert prestigious school*.”

I thought I was going to fail as an educator.

But, I stood firm. Sought advice from my mentor and went on with it. At the end of my students’ practicum, they all made me a letter of appreciation (without me asking them ha, lmao). Seriously, they all made me cry of happiness when they told me how grateful they were that I was their supervisor.

And, it was then that I knew how much I wanted to be an educator.

A few months later, I was like a proud Mum when they passed their board exams. One of my students even landed a place on the Top 10! I was actually surprised when one of them messaged me, and thanking me for inspiring her to choose the field of Community Nutrition. She told me that she was bummed when their Community Nutrition Practicum was approaching because she hated it so much. But after our immersion, she fell in love with it and eventually landed a job as a Community Nutritionist. It was the best thing ever.

It was 2017 when I drifted apart with my first love, Nutrition and Dietetics. I thought I needed a break, and I remembered how much I wanted to become an educator. I wanted to be a Professor but I haven’t taken any units for Post-Graduate studies, and that is the minimum requirement to be one. If I can’t be a Professor yet, maybe there’s another way to become an educator.

So I became a Pre-School Teacher.

[ more of that on my next blog ]

 

signature

 

the truth

It was a quick transition, from together to alone.

It wasn’t as I imagined, it was more like finishing a good book. I thought it would involve unnecessary consumption of ice cream and chocolates, crying myself to sleep and not being able to function at all.

Nights are not as cold, mornings are easy.

Checking my mobile does not include messaging anyone if I ate already, or if I’m dressing up for work.

No reason to stay up late. My body thanks me for always getting enough sleep.

 

I still don’t know if I’m going to regret this in the future. But for now, I feel okay. Everything’s fine. I don’t feel like I’m being needed anyway.


the one where she’s listening to boy pablo while vomiting words

signature